It's a trap!

It was an innocent enough question, or so I thought.  I was being interviewed by someone who would soon become my boss. We had been talking about cross-cultural issues, challenges, coping mechanisms, healthy boundaries, and other matters pertinent to living in a very different cultural context.  The question seemed a natural extension of that line of discussion.  "How are you at non-verbal communication?"

I answered frankly, that I felt I was reasonably well able to follow a lead, to read body language, and tone of voice to help interpret the person's communication. However, I anticipated that there would be increased challenges along those lines in a culture with which I was less "well-rehearsed or experienced."  And that seemed to be the end of the matter.  My future boss smiled and seemed to be particularly pleased with the answer. Duh!

It wasn't until things began to fall apart in our relationship that I began to understand that what was really being asked was "are you willing to read between the lines to discern what I am asking so that I don't have to actually come out and ask it?"

Now, on the surface even that may seem a reasonable request, but as most of my co-workers in the region at that time would attest, it was really nothing more than a cover to avoid responsibility.  The deeper implications were, can you discern what I am asking you to do without my actually asking you, so that when it blows up, I can deny ever having asked or even implied that you should do such a thing?  Are you willing to take the fall for my ineptness?  Will you guarantee me plausible deniability in everything I want you to do?  Will you insulate me from responsibility for my actions?  This person had built his career on plausible deniability.

Case in point, I was asked to team with two other missionaries to plan a missionary retreat for our region.  We took the responsibility well in hand and began the process.  I was warned by the others that there may be pushback as this director expected to be treated like visiting royalty.  

We found a very good deal at a resort at which the missionaries would all feel comfortable.  It was not a guest house nor was it a 5 star location. And it was within the budget we had been given.  As our plans progressed I stopped hearing from my director.  Later, at a gathering of the missionaries, one who had rarely been a part of our gatherings approached me and said that she was excited about having booked a certain rather fancy resort for our retreat.

When we talked further, she was honestly surprised I hadn't heard that the director had asked her to assume responsibility.  We were out of the picture.  She apparently was better at non-verbal communication and understood what was wanted.

The bash was so extravagant that no other region in the world was able to have a missionary retreat for the next three years.  It exceeded the budget by close to five times I later understood. But the boss got to stay in the Presidential Suite during the retreat. AND was able to say he wasn't aware of the costs that were being incurred since he had handed the responsibility over to one of the missionaries.  The missionary took her bruises and went on.

We lost 8 out of our 11 missionaries (in that region) in just 4 short years over just such matters. Few could live with any integrity when the ones with which we were called to work and witness lived on subsistence level salaries.  We were being asked to make promises we knew wouldn't be kept...told to ignore somethings that were being said...and not to communicate with anyone back at the denomination's USA head office, except the director.

Thus it was that we left the mission field for the first time, resigning after our first year, and being black-listed by our director, ensuring we would never return to the country we loved as long as he sat in that seat.  And we didn't...

So if someone at an interview asks you about how you are at non-verbal communication, you might want to push back a bit on the question and dig deeper into what is actually being asked in order to avoid a misadventure in mission.